Lately my recurring thoughts have been focused on the lost. The more i strive to love it seems the deeper my restlessness grows..but i don't mean entirely. it's just that i cannot help but feel despair in most of my new relationships. these girls are just so empty and these boys are just so weak. so i worry that i am committing some sin that is keeping me from being an effective witness to the peace found in jesus. maybe i should be so 'caught up' in God that all i know is my own joy and peace, and be unfazed by the world's troubles.

it is so difficult. i am so weary with sadness. it's so dark here and i'm scared and i want out. i just want to be in His kingdom. i can't stop crying and there is nobody here. everybody's gone. it's so dark. and i wish it would all go away.

i am the scum of this earth. rejected and hated by everyone. just like He said it would be.

well i think it is worth it. my God always prevails and will deliver me from this place.