i have nothing to account for the past two weeks.

how i wish for words of wisdom or revelations or understanding. yet somehow, these things have failed to find me this time. instead i can only say that i miss beauty. as usual i might reflect on the nature of beauty and how it relates to the moral universe. but i don't want to. i want to feel. i want every good thing that i know to rise up in this old heart till it swells and bursts. i want to feel young.

***

last night i slept so terribly..i've never slept like that before, i woke up in stress and pain after only four hours...

*

and earlier this week..i went somewhere. in my dream. there were others. it was far more terrifying than any of the hellish things i've seen before because..

i swear it was real, i know it sounds crazy, but- like i said.

there were others.

they spoke to me of where i was. and when i closed my eyes and told myself it wasn't real, i could still feel them brushing past me. when i opened my eyes, they were all looking at me not surprised at my reaction, but waiting for me to stop acting so foolish as to not know...

i have always told myself that if i'm not sure if a dream has significance, i can know by taking something with me when i leave.

i left this dream with a name on my lips.