i feel nothing.

no one knows me anymore. and i cannot be too sure if i know myself either. maybe change will always feel like nothingness. spanning a deep chasm. a starfield of musings and possibilities. maybe i will never be the same again. that is for sure at least. i hope to never be quite the same after anything remotely like what has happened. can i say?

can i ever really say what i am thinking? these things that torture me and tempt me to become bitter?

it is impossible for this to ever truly be a diary, in the traditional sense. i am incapable of sharing my emotions, even with myself. some might criticize me for my motives in writing these entries. if i cannot find it within myself to express the depth, what good can i find in any of this?

what good could come of others reading these?

i have long considered that our deepest caves and nuances are significantly insignificant. in regards to existence as a whole, i cannot find my place. not as a person who feels pain.

i have felt quite enough pain in my lifetime of twenty years that i really just don't see the value in expressing it like i used to. i have in no way hardened myself to others or to God in such a manner that might threaten my well-being. or my relationships for that matter.

in fact my personal demons are what drive me to leave my pathetic world of selfishness and learn what it means to love with a sometimes empty heart. now, i realize that 'out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks' and so, this may impair my long-suffering abilities...but maybe my heart is not as empty as it may feel.

this is my crucible. this is mine to hold. i remember all these moments of fire so much more than my moments of happiness because these are my true moments of clarity, when i can deny myself and i do believe that some good has come of my life.